They can send a man (or woman) to the moon, but they can’t make a fat-free ranch salad dressing that tastes good.

Pretty sad.

I eat a lot of fat-free and lowfat items, and some of them even have taste. But what I miss most about watching my weight is ranch dressing.

That delicious salad topping is loaded with calories and other yummy stuff such as mayonnaise, sour cream and more.

I have bought light ranch dressing (or “lite” as they like to refer to it), and the only thing light about it is the taste. It is the furthest thing from “real” ranch dressing there is. I might as well use it to caulk around my bathtub.

Some items I won’t compromise on -- no matter how many calories they have -- and ranch dressing is one. I like the real, thick stuff. You won’t find it in my refrigerator, but I will eat it when I go to a restaurant. There is no substitute.

The same goes for Philadelphia cream cheese. If you compare it to the store brand, I know the label says the brick is made from the same ingredients, but I am not convinced. It just doesn’t taste the same.

I like the full-flavored version, although I usually will eat the light or fat-free cream cheese, as long as it’s Philadelphia brand. Nothing like it.

Another brand I won’t waver from is Barnum’s Animal Crackers. I love the taste of them, and to this day I can’t wait to open a box to see how many lions, tigers and giraffes there are.

Store-brand animal cookies just don’t cut it, although my dogs couldn’t care less. I use them as dog biscuits. They are cheaper and have less fat, and are better for dogs. My dogs beg for them just like they would for a steak bone. They don’t know or care if there is a difference. I guess if I swallowed them whole, I wouldn’t care either.

But I don’t swallow them in one bite. I savor each one and get more disappointed as I reach the bottom of the cardboard box with the string handle made just right for carrying.

I also won’t settle for a substitute for Diet Coke. I love, love, love the stuff -- but only if it’s in a cup with crushed ice. I limit myself to drinking it once (or sometimes twice) a week, and I sure look forward to the treat.

Store-brand versions are awful. Sure, they are cheaper, but they taste like carbonated prune juice. There isn’t anything that could be done to them to make them taste even remotely like “The (diet) Real Thing.”

It’s just not right to make substitutes for some things when only the real thing will do.

To me, that’s like putting mayonnaise on a hot dog where only ketchup belongs, or making macaroni and cheese using spaghetti noodles, or even -- heaven forbid -- putting chocolate frosting on a carrot cake. How many culinary laws are being broken there? I shudder thinking about it.

It’s just plain wrong.

Lisa Carnley is managing editor of the Lampasas Dispatch Record.