Eye of the Storm
In the land of Good and Plenty
Robbis Storm

Blame it on the government. Blame it on the weather. Blame it on three weeks of great food in Mexico. Blame it on anything but me.

But no matter who or what you blame it on -- here are the facts: My slacks are shrinking. My shirts are popping their buttons. My neckties are getting too short.

So it's either run out and buy a new wardrobe, or -- horror of horrors! -- try to lose weight.

Miriam has already shed a few pounds, so I'm vowing to follow her lead and steer myself to the salad bar. And while I'm there, ban the blue cheese dressing.

I'm trying to talk myself into more lean sirloin and fewer barbecued ribs; baked potatos without a dump truck load of butter and sour cream; and no fried oysters. Instead I'll have them on the half-shell -- and dress them with horseradish rather than tartar sauce.

What about dessert? It's my favorite part of the meal. In fact, if you're like me, unless you've had something sweet, a meal simply doesn't feel complete. It's not finished. You're still hungry.

But Braeburn apples instead of Blue Bell Buttered Pecan? Plums or pears instead of peach cobbler? Two slices of cantaloupe instead of Miriam's fabulous carrot cake?

C'mon -- give me a break already!

In fact all this dieting stuff is hard -- really hard. Guess that's why I got a good laugh from the following story sent me by two email correspondents, my Saskatchewan sister-in-law, Lesya Kawylych, and longtime good friend, Eleanor Jones of Seattle.

It's a modern parable based loosely on the familiar Genesis creation story. If you're having trouble with your waistline, you might enjoy it too.

* * *

In the beginning, The Almighty created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach -- green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds -- so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using The Almighty's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that? And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."

Man and Woman gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

Then The Almighty created healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them with butter. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So The Almighty said, "Try my fresh green salad." But Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And, following the repast, Man and Woman loosened their belts.

The Almighty then said, "Look -- I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

With a devilish smile, Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

The Almighty then created a light, fluffy white cake, and called it "Angel Food," and said, "It is good." But Satan came back with chocolate cake buried in chocolate icing and named it after himself: "Devil's Food."

The Almighty then brought forth running shoes so that His children might exercise and lose those extra pounds.

And Satan countered with cable TV, and added a remote control so that Man would not have to do more than lift a finger to change channels. And Man and Woman wore their running shoes while they sat on their backsides in front of the flickering box in their living room.

And they gained pounds.

Then The Almighty brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man could not eat just one.

The Almighty then gave lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

So Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger and said, "You want fries with that? And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

The Almighty sighed and created stints, beta blockers and quadruple bypass surgery.

Some would say that what came next was Satan's finest hour. Some would say it was his most fiendish creation. Some would simply gnash their teeth, tear their clothes, and hang their heads in frustration and dispair.

So what DID happen next? Satan created HMOs.